Hey Brenda, I Don't Think This Is Gonna Work...

I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about this subject. I really don't like to think about it, first because I am afraid and second, because it's sounds silly and trivial and most responses I get about this subject is "Really? Are you kidding me", Ahhh, no...I'm not kidding. My friend Brenda said I should blog about it, perhaps it may help, after all, I always do what I'm told, well kinda, I wouldn't t jump off a cliff..I'm afraid of those too! Clowns, I'm afraid of clowns! I'm a grown ass women, why would that frighten me? I even hate to write it and believe me, you will not see a photo insert as to enhance this entry, because I can't even get myself to go there. A whole page of images of clowns would probably do me in...I'm not that strong yet. I don't know where this fear came from. I was never attacked, talked to, had a bad experience, dreamed of, lived by or anything else by a clown that I can think of to make me feel this way. Don't get me wrong, there a few other things that I am afraid of, but those things I can sort of put in perspective and deal with much better.

A short story...When Raquel was in grade school and the school's annual carnival was in full swing, I was standing in the middle of the festivities talking to Mrs. Tanner, a school administrator of some sorts. As we were talking, over her shoulder I see a clown practically on the other side of the school from where we were and yes, my vision is that good, especially when it comes to clowns. I can spot a white face, red bulbous nose and floppy shoes anywhere. Needless to say, my focus was broken and I was full of "ah ha's" and "mm's" and my head was bobbing up an down in agreement trying to follow the conversation. As I watched this clown make his way closer to the area where we were in, I could feel my anxiety level rising and the panic starting to set in but I was still trying to pretend to listen and keep an eye on him all at the same time. Next thing I know, he's walking straight at us like he's on a mission, he's about 20 feet away now and in a moment of spontaneous rudeness, I abruptly say to Mrs. Tanner, "I gotta go, I'm sorry", as she looked at me with knitted eyebrows, I turned and walked the opposite way and pretty much hid from him the rest of the time I was there....and I was in charge of something or other so I was there for the duration. The following Monday I sought her out and apologized profusely and explained what had happened...."I'm sorry", "I'm wasn't trying to be rude", I'm deathly afraid of clowns, I'm am a psychopath...blah, blah and blah.
Her response "That was my husband, he dresses like a clown for parties" ,"I knew it!, I told him I think you scared off another one". Well, we had a big chuckle over that one, but honestly, he scared the bajeebers out of me. This is the only encounter with a clown I can think of with an exception of an ex boyfriend or two and it really wasn't much of an encounter at all.

One more weird thing, OK, there's a lot of weird things, but one specific bit of info regarding this subject. If I'm so afraid of clowns, then why am I so obsessed with circus life. Circuses, and that particular lifestyle and everything that comes with it...except for the clowns. Very interesting subject to me. When I was a kid and I'd go to a local carnival, people working there fascinated me and I would study them and wonder what kind of life they must lead. Who thinks that at age 8? The last 3 books I purchased where about this subject. I can't figure it out and so I have just stopped trying. I don't know if blogging about it helps, but what I do know is, that I need to stay away from Circuses and ex boyfriends. Which I have...on both counts!